Ugh.

Ugh, It's 3:30 AM, and I'm wide awake. Why? Because of the stupid internet of course. I had finally fallen asleep at a slightly reasonable time (Well, 2 AM is reasonable for my sleep schedule) And the internet goes down. Shouldn't be a big deal right? Except that my computer gets very pissy without internet and next thing I know I'm being woken up by beeping and screeching -_-. I was less than impressed, but went downstairs to power cycle the router figuring it was just the wireless down as usual. Nope, it was the internet itself, so I got to do all these magic tricks to fix it, because if my dad wakes up in the morning and it doesn't work he'll lose his temper again and wake me up anyway. All the while I have to be super quiet because my dad is sleeping on the couch in the same room since my mom is sick and they're fighting again. Finally I got it fixed and came back to bed. Made my computer calm down and took a minute to fix a few things. I can't sleep. I laid back and rested and had everything off, and an hour later I'm still wide awake. I'm so stressed I can't even sleep. How lovely. See, Apparently I'm the talk of the town. Again. Small town gossip travels fast, gotta love it. I'm pretty used to it, I mean they all jumped on the lesbian thing and it went around town like wildfire so people talking about me usually doesn't get to me, but what is it this time? "Oh did you hear about the Isaacs girl? Well remember last year when she thought she was a lesbian and was with that Carter girl? Yeah the rich one. Well, she went away to school this year and they broke up a bit ago and guess what? She almost took a nervous breakdown and dropped out of school!" So now I've got all these people jumping on me going "I can't believe you dropped out of school over a break up!" Umm, I didn't. I had the breakdown while we were still together, in fact it's why we broke up. She couldn't deal with how crazy I was anymore. I'm sorry, I'm not perfect get over it. Of course she's just loving it and going on about how horrible I was, and how I was driving her crazy and that I only dropped out to make her feel bad. Ok seriously, what is her problem? Not to mention the fact that she keeps trying to talk to me and flirt with me when really? I just want her to go away. I'm too nice to tell her that though. I wish her and her little girlfriend could just disappear. Oh well, in a few days the high school band will be off to Boston and I can rest knowing I have a few days with no drama. Another thing that's bugging me, my friends are driving me crazy! I've been happier the last little bit. Yep, y'all read that right. Kaitlyn is happy. You'd think my friends would be glad, right? I mean after all these years of depression, after all the crap I went through, all I dealt with and put behind me I'm happy. But no, what are they all on me for? "Who's the chick who's got you so happy?" Can I not be happy on my own? Like seriously, they all think I'm incapable of being happy by myself. I put effort into it thanks. I went and got help, a shrink, finally gave in after seven years and got the antidepressants after trying almost every other possible way. I even feel better about my appearance, and that is a big thing. I'm still have self esteem issues yes, but you know what? It's nothing compared to what I used to have. I feel pretty. I haven't been able to say that since I was about 12. But none of them see that. They refuse to believe I didn't just meet someone and am happy with that. So what if I did? What's that got to do with them? Would it be such a bad thing if I was over Danielle and actually liked someone else? Is it really a crime? I sure as hell didn't think so seeing as everyone has been pushing me to get over her. I've gotten over a hell of a lot of stuff in the last year and you know what? I might just finally be over her too. Is it that hard to believe that I'm strong enough to recover now? That the new Kaitlyn has confidence and loves herself and can live a normal life? Apparently. Oh and yes, my favorite of all of the things being said to me, "If you won't tell us who it is, it must be a guy and you just don't want to admit it" ARGH, is that a bad thing either? Because I dated a girl and loved her does that mean all of a sudden I'm not allowed to like a boy? I am so sick of this small town drama. I want out of here and out of here fast.

You know what? Now that that's all out. I feel so much better. No more stress. Now if I could just get rid of my last stress, finding a job. Ugh, it'll happen, it really will...

Avoiding

Yes I'm avoiding this. I don't want to admit that I'm doing downhill instead of up. God I hate this town, and breakups.

Looking Into The Future.

Do What You Have To Do

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

-------

Thank you Sarah McLachlan for the amazing lyrics. What does this one mean? It means I've accepted it. I understand it has to be over. Am I fully completely happy? No. But I get it. I'm moving. I don't know where to but I am, and it scares me at times and sometimes I feel good about it. I'll always miss her but life goes on. I had thought we were going to be friends but it's not seeming that way. When accidentally signing onto an old account yesterday I noticed she was online there, but not my main list. I guess she's blocked me. How am I handling that? Well I don't really know. Sure, I turned into a little ball of emo for a bit (Ganking that phrase from Romy dearest <3) but after talking to Cas and Brigitte for a minute and calming down I got to think. Yes, I really do want to be friends with her. She was my best friend, and she meant a lot to me as a friend also. At the same time though everything else is going good for me right now. If love lives didn't exist I'd be in Heaven right now. My mother and I have made up and I'm getting the help I need (Details on regular blog). I can't risk my sanity to fight and argue to be friends with her. I'm hoping she'll come around and come back to me as a friend. If she doesn't of course I'll miss her, but if I keep dwelling on it I'll have another night like last night and I refuse to become the emo kid or the typical girl who guilts. That part of me is gone. I'm a new person now. Parts of it thanks to her, things she taught me and things she showed me. Parts of it come from this breakup. It shattered my world. It brought all my walls down, left me defenseless and alone. Forced me to use emotions I didn't know existed, and even bring up a few old ones. All in all, I'm proud of where I am now. It took time, and I'm not proud of how I got here, but I did, and I think it's going to be better for me. Here's for hoping. I erased my old future today. While looking through my day planner, I saw that 18's were still marked every month for while, and well I took them out. If I left them they would have gone off with alarms and reminded me, and I think that was a step I really needed. As of now, almost everything is either packed in a box for storage, saved on my jump drive from wiping my computer, or preserved in some other way. I can't let go 100% just yet, like the song said. I know I can't have her, but I don't know how to go about letting go yet. For now, I'll take what I have. The highs and the lows. In the lows I'm almost back to the ball of emo, but I'm slightly in control more than I used to be. They give me a chance to think back at the good things. The day I met her, the day she kissed me, the day we got together, sneaking in my house after being kicked out and lighting a single candle for her sitting on my bed since the whole thing had been ruined. I can think of days when the smile on her face fixed everything, and my most precious memory right now, is from right before the end, when I walked in the curling club and her face lit up and she ran up and jumped into my arms. That was undoubtedly the most amazing feeling yet. It's these good times I'm choosing to remember, and that's just how it's going to be. During the highs I can look into my new future. Start trying to think of how certain little things will work now without her. I can modify things, take out a few things that simply were based on her, and replace them with other things. I'm hoping this time lasts and I don't go back to constant lows. Well, I'm rambling, and that's not really the point of this journal ..

The Nickelback Poster Child

Well, lately with my hardcore mood swings, it seems that there are two Nickelback songs that I go back and forth between with how I feel. It's really annoying. There's one Wicked Musical song that works too, but not half as well ..

Savin' Me - Nickelback

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

[Chorus:]
Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
Lyrics
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me


Hurry I'm fallin'

All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh, I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me


Hurry I'm fallin'


Woke Up This Morning - Nickelback

I paid my last respects this mornin' on an early grave
Already said goodbye, nothin left to say
A tiny church a tiny town and not a tear was spent
Not how I wanted it, I'm hating all of this

Well I'm hating, all of this
I'm hating, all of this
All of this, all of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this world out around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

I've been a loser all my life, I'm not about to change
If you don't like, there's the door, nobody made you stay
There ain't a woman on the planet who can deal with it
Just how I wanted it, I'm hating all of this

Well I'm hating, all of this
I'm hating, all of this
All of this, all of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
Lyrics
You came along, and tore this world out around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

All of this, All of this
Now I know why, I hide my love from you somedays
No I don't mind keeping this bottled inside me
You came along, and tore this world out around me
Looks like you found me
Now I know why
I felt like shit when I woke up this morning

For Good- Wicked

ELPHABA
I'm limited:
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you -
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
(spoken) For both of us
(sung) Now it's up to you:

GLINDA
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

ELPHABA
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:

GLINDA
Because I knew you:

BOTHI have been changed for good

ELPHABA
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

GLINDA
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

BOTH
And none of it seems to matter anymore

GLINDA ELPHABA
Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown
From orbit as it Off it's mooring
Passes a sun, like By a wind off the
A stream that meets Sea, like a seed
A boulder, half-way Dropped by a
Through the wood Bird in the wood

BOTH
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

GLINDA
And because I knew you:
ELPHABA
Because I knew you:

BOTH
Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.


So what does it all mean? It means that I'm bitter, I'm heart broken, I've never been in so much pain in my life; but at the same time it means I still love her, that I'd still take her back in a heart beat even though I know I'll never have that chance ..

Dreaming With A Broken Heart ..

John Mayer has finally found a way to sort of explain what I'm going through ..

--------------

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

Permanence

When will I ever learn? When will I learn that I’m just not permanent? Nothing about me is permanent. My moods, my feelings, my luck, my lack of it. Nothing in my life stays permanent. I’m learning to understand that I can’t depend on things to be permanent, no matter how much I want to. It doesn’t quite make sense, but I’m beginning to learn to expect permanence. Not for me. I see permanent people around me. I see them with their lives that work, that they have all figured out. I see people who know themselves, and can trust on permanence. I envy them. They’re the permanents.

For a little while I believed I could be permanent. I felt permanent, I felt needed. I thought that maybe, it was my turn to take my place in the real world, with the permanents. Just when I was coming to terms with not being permanent, she convinced me I could be. She walks into my life, and she shows me the life I never had. She pulled me out of where I was safe, but at the same time managed to make me feel safer. She showed the part of the world I was scared of, but with her it wasn’t scary. She made the scariest things liveable. She turned my world around, flipped my soul inside out and showed me what I had inside.

For months she’s made me permanent. She’s been my connection to the permanent world. Without her, I don’t exist there. I’m back into this lonely world of my own. She walked away thinking that I was safe in the permanent world, but I wasn’t. As soon as she let go of my hand I faded again. I tried to fight it. I kicked and screamed and cried. I was part of this world, I was permanent for once. Why wasn’t I allowed to stay without her? Then she walked back in. She walked back in and took my hand again and magically I faded back into permanence. For a while I was terrified. I had just watched how easily forgotten I am without her. She was my claim to the real world; she was my ticket to life.

I was afraid to accept it. I was terrified to believe that she was back. If she left again I was going to fade back to my world. I’d be invisible again. I was so happy that she was back, ecstatic that I had my love back, but afraid to count on it. I was only half permanent. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to fade out again. It took a while, but I began to feel fully permanent again. I began to believe that I was permanent. I believed that she was here for good. I felt that it was safe to rely on her, so I did.

That’s where I went wrong. Not about being safe, I was right, I was safe. I couldn’t rely on her though. She was completely reliable, I was just too much. My problems from my world were bleeding through to the permanent world. They were bleeding from me to her, and they were weighing on her. My problems weighing in on a world with enough problems. How is that fair? My problem was that it wasn’t fair, so I started trying to solve them on my own. I know now that trying on my own doesn’t help. It starts pulling me back into my old world. I start fading again. This time though, I’m being pulled from both sides. My old world is tugging with all it’s might, from permanence into the scary place I used to reside. At the same time, she’s pulling with all she has. Trying to save me so much, and I’m trying to help her. I’m trying so hard, throwing my weight her way, just trying to be with her. I don’t want my old world back. I want to be with her. In the permanent world, where I’m happy.

This is when I start to see my end drawing near; or at least what I think is my end. I get scared, like I always do, and it’s the beginning of my fall. My fall from permanence to where I am now. My old world got too good of a grip on me and managed to pull harder. It pulled and pulled until I got afraid that she would lose the fight. The minute I got afraid and admit that, was the minute she stopped pulling. Admitting fear and doubt was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, and now I’m here. Where’s here you ask? Well I’m not quite sure yet. I know I’m not in the permanent world anymore. I faded just as fast as always. I don’t know yet if I’m in my old world or not. Sometimes I feel like I am. When I’m weak and I’m crying that’s all I can think is “I’m back in my old world again”, but thanks to her I can fight for myself now, so I can’t fade completely away.

Will I ever be permanent again? I don’t know. Right now, I’m slowly fading. My fighting isn’t as strong as the pull from my old world, the vortex that pulls me in, and I won’t last in limbo much longer. This is when I start to lose all connection to the permanent world, and begin to become part of the faded existence I once was. I find myself slipping, while trying to pull myself up as hard as I can. I pull, and I struggle and I scream; but why? For her. Because the only way back to the permanent world where I long to be is through her. I’ve got to keep myself high enough that if she come back to try to pull again that my hand is still in reach. If I give up on struggling and climbing, I give up on her, and I can’t do that. She’s my connection, my ticket. She is my permanence.